


Lord, What Fools These Mortals Be

by Alexis_Rockford, Cassandra_Elise



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot, Post-Avengers (2012), Stand Alone, Trapped In Elevator, Trickster Loki (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 10:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15928112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Rockford/pseuds/Alexis_Rockford, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassandra_Elise/pseuds/Cassandra_Elise
Summary: After the Battle of New York, the Avengers take Loki to SHIELD HQ for questioning. But the god of mischief isn't going down (up?) without a fight!I know what you're thinking: not another elevator fic! But this is the elevator fic to end all elevator fics forever! We promise!





	Lord, What Fools These Mortals Be

If one thing could be said for the Triskelion, its location was excellent. The view of the Potomac from the top floor of the skyscraper would be breathtaking indeed. Which was good since that’s where they were taking him.

“Geez, how many floors does this thing have?” asked the man they called Banner as the six of them led him through the massive front entrance.

“Too many,” Steve Rogers confirmed.

“Somebody’s compensating for something,” joked Tony Stark. Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton exchanged glances and rolled their eyes.

“I fail to be impressed,” Thor declared, tossing Mjolnir from hand to hand so carelessly that the great hammer nearly slipped and dropped on the prisoner’s foot, which he would not have appreciated in the slightest. “The architecture in Asgard is much more beautiful and just as functional.”

“Nothing clever to add?” Stark asked mockingly. He sharply elbowed the tall man they were dragging.

“Don’t antagonize him,” Captain Rogers admonished with a frown.

He needn’t have bothered. For one thing, the prisoner’s hands were manacled. For another, he didn’t really have much fight in him at the moment. Ever since that green monstrosity had beat the living Hel out of him, he was a much humbler person. Or at least he thought so. Of course, it didn’t hurt that they had put this blasted muzzle on him. Even if he wanted to say something snarky to his captors he couldn’t. But that was fine with him. He didn’t feel much like talking at the moment anyway. As Iago had put it: _Demand me nothing: what you know, you know: / From this time forth I never will speak word._

“But it’s fun,” whined the billionaire playboy, drawing out the _u_ for a ridiculous amount of time. “Remember fun? Or did they drill that out of your brain in the army, too?”

Steve wisely chose to ignore his rival’s taunts and calmly pressed the call button for the lift.

“Is that an elevator?” Banner questioned with a squeak that was downright hilarious considering his alter ego. “Oh, no, no, no. I don’t do confined spaces.”

Steve turned to the scientist. “Then I guess you’ll just have to take the stairs. The interrogation room is on the top floor.”

Of course it is, thought the prisoner with a smirk. He hoped a dose of sarcasm would drown the fear that began to well up inside at the thought of the torture that awaited him. _These are mortals,_ he told himself. _What can they possibly to do me that is worse than what I have already suffered?_ Besides, his brother would be there. Thor’s weak stomach would never allow for anything too graphic to be done to him, right?

But it was too late, panic was beginning to set in, and he couldn’t even diffuse the tension with his trademark wit. Damn this stupid muzzle! He thought about throwing his full weight onto one of them, but Thor would quickly put an end to that act of insubordination. He would have to come up with another plan and fast.

The six of them entered the lift, and Rogers selected the correct floor for their ascent. Banner waved goodbye from the ground floor as the door closed, sealing them in the glass room.

“Interesting,” said Thor as the small box began to ascend.

“Isn’t it?” Steve agreed, his boyish charm beginning to resurface. “I mean, we had elevators in my day, but they were made of metal, and they were nowhere near this fast.”

“Wheeeee,” Stark muttered unenthusiastically.

“Aw, let him have his fun, Tony,” coaxed Natasha. “Remember ‘fun’?” She accented the _u_ much like her colleague had moments before.

“Ha ha,” said Stark in a deadpan tone that was anything but amused.

“I don’t know,” Clint began, leaning against a wall, “an elevator is an elevator. But whatever floats your boat.”

The prisoner, of course, said nothing, but anyone who was paying the slightest bit of attention would have seen the glint in his brilliant blue-green eyes.

A minute or so went by in silence. Then, the elevator came to a shuddering stop.

“Have we arrived?” Thor inquired cheerily.

Steve frowned and pressed the button for the correct floor again. Nothing happened.

“Need some help there, genius?” Tony poked Steve’s ribs with the arm of his sunglasses.

“Just use the emergency phone,” suggested Natasha. “No point messing around.”

“There’s always a point to messing around,” countered Tony, raising his eyebrows suggestively. Natasha sighed.

Steve picked up the receiver. “Hello?”

A blast of static and feedback rudely greeted them.

“My ears!” complained Barton.

“What the hell is that noise?” said Stark at the same time.

“Language!” scolded Cap. “And ow.”

Natasha grabbed the receiver and looked at it carefully. “I can’t see any kind of bugging device. I wonder what made it screech like that?”

“I know what you’re all thinking,” said Stark, “but it wasn’t me this time. Now if you had heard a moan…”

The eye rolls were universal. “Do us all a favour for once and keep your filthy comments to yourself,” snapped Steve.

“Relax,” said Tony. “I’m keeping it strictly PG-13.”

“I have no idea what that means, and you know it!” The volume of Steve’s voice had increased considerably by this point.

“Google it!” Tony challenged.

Steve clenched both his teeth and his fists. “I don’t know what _Google_ is either!”

“Chill, grandpa.” Natasha fixed Steve with a flirty half-smile. “I’ll explain what that means later.” Captain Rogers’s face and hands immediately relaxed. Tony looked at them over the top of his glasses with a smug simper on his face.

“Uh, guys?” Clint shook his head rapidly a couple of times and then moved it side to side slowly. “I seriously think I’ve sustained some hearing loss.”

“At least that thing wasn’t against _your_ ear when it happened,” Steve retorted. “Now what do we do?”

The five of them looked at each other in awkward silence for a moment. Abruptly, Thor shoved Cap aside and began pounding all the buttons at once. “Up! Up, foul beast!”

“Oh, brilliant,” Tony sarcastically drawled. “Goldilocks here thinks he can beat it into submission with his fists.”

“Well, it’s better than standing here doing nothing,” he protested with a final punch to the panel.

The lights blinked crazily, and the elevator lurched down a few feet before coming to a screeching halt. Steve was using his shield to guard Tony from an invisible assailant. Natasha braced herself against one of the corners as though prepared to go airborne before the car hit the ground. Clint gazed up toward the ceiling, assessing the distance between himself and the emergency panel. Thor had Mjolnir raised in the event that he was forced to smash through the outside window and abandon his friends. If anyone had bothered to check, they would have noticed that the prisoner didn’t seem in the least bit worried by the lift’s sudden plummet. He merely stood there docilely, looking at his manacled hands.

“The shield isn’t going to protect me from death by gravity,” Tony snapped, shoving the vibranium circle back toward its owner. “Thanks for thinking of me though. Nice to know you care. Unlike Zeus over here who looks like he’s about to make a break for it.”

“I resent that comment,” said Thor sulkily. “I could have taken one or two of you with me if the situation had called for it.”

“There are five of us in here,” argued Tony. “Learn to count, He-Man.”

“My brother and Captain Rogers would survive,” he protested.

“That still leaves three people.” Stark wagged three fingers in Thor’s face.

“You could call your suit?” Thor suggested lamely.

Tony massaged his temples with his hand. “Grant me patience.”

“You know what they say,” Steve mocked. “‘Patience is a virtue.’”

“You’re a virtue,” Tony shot back as though the word were a curse.

“That’s really mature, Tony.” Natasha glared at him with undisguised disdain.

“Can we focus for a minute here?” Clint ran his hands through his sandy hair with frustration. “I think I can reach the emergency panel if one of you gives me a boost. Any volunteers?” The remaining Avengers all stared at him blankly.

“Maybe if you hadn’t eaten that last slice of pecan pie...” Tony jeered.

“Fat jokes? Really?” Barton fixed him with a death glare, which would have been more effective if he wasn’t wearing his trademark shades.

Cap nodded his chiseled chin at Natasha. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to boost Black Widow? I know I can do it. Did it several hours ago during our fight in Manhattan.”

“No one likes a braggart,” Tony mumbled, obviously annoyed that he hadn’t thought of a solution first.

Steve cupped his hands, and Natasha efficiently stepped into them and hoisted herself up to the emergency door, where she tried to open it. The panel wouldn’t budge. “What the hell?” she muttered.

Steve was about to say “Language,” again, but given the situation, held his tongue. “What’s wrong?” he said instead, gripping her legs for support.

“The door won’t open,” Natasha grunted as she tossed her full weight at it. “It’s like something’s fallen on top of it.” She started to teeter precariously in Cap’s arms, and Barton quickly came to her rescue, gently setting her down. “Thanks.” She nodded at her friend.

Tony snapped his finger. “I got it.” He pointed at Thor. “Point Break actually gave me the idea. What if I summoned my suit? The suit will catapult at hundreds of miles per hour straight through the windows…”

“And we’ll be cut to pieces by all the glass!” Rogers pointed out. “Not to mention there’s no room for the suit to go once it crash lands in here.”

“If we’re going to do that, I may as well throw my hammer!” Thor barked.

Tony’s mouth was downturned into a frown. “Well, you come up with something, since you’re so clever!”

The prisoner’s shoulders trembled for the briefest moment. If anyone had been looking, they would have seen he was laughing silently.

Clint squirmed, as if he knew what he was about to say would be met with ridicule. Rogers noted his expression before anyone else. “Out with it, Hawkeye,” he ordered.

Hawkeye shrugged sheepishly. “What if we did as the thunder god suggested? Use his whatchamacallit to shatter the glass? Cap can use his shield to protect a couple of us at least from any flying debris.”

“It’s not the worst idea,” Steve conceded.  
  
“Well, we have no better ones.” Tony crossed his brawny arms across his chest.

The Avengers all backed up to the farthest corner away from Thor, leaving the prisoner vulnerable in the middle of the lift. Thor surreptitiously glanced at the prisoner, who glared back at him. “You might want to move as well, Brother.”

All eyes turned to Loki as if they had just suddenly remembered he was in the room. He didn’t move an inch. His glare seemed to say, “Make me!” Rogers and Stark accepted the challenge. They each grabbed an arm of the prisoner and dragged him back. They placed him in front of themselves like a human shield. Despite the fact that he was likely about to be impaled by glass shards, Loki seemed calm.

Natasha removed Cap’s shield from his back and used it to cover her and Barton. “We’re ready, Thor!” she called over the metal rim.

Thor chucked Mjolnir straight at the glass wall. The hammer ricocheted off the wall like it was made of rubber and not glass. The hammer sailed into Thor’s chest, careening him backwards into the opposite wall. The entire elevator shuddered from the impact. Avengers sprawled pell mell across the floor, and Loki found himself under a pile of Earth’s mightiest heroes.

Thor recovered quickly and leapt to his feet. He scratched his beard in confusion before turning to help Natasha and Clint off the floor. “That’s strange,” he said slowly. “It’s almost as if someone has erected a force field.”

Steve scrambled out of the pile as soon as the other three were out of his way. “You alright, Stark?” he asked Tony, who had unfortunately ended up near the bottom of the heap.

“Oh, sure.” Tony gripped Cap’s offered hand and pulled himself up. “At least I landed on something soft.” He pointed at Loki, who was groaning pitifully behind the muzzle.

“Of course!” Clint slapped himself in the forehead. “We’ve all been blind.” He grabbed an arrow out of his quiver and nocked it, aiming it at the god of mischief.

Loki was having trouble sitting back up due to the fact that his wrists were still bound. Thor grabbed him by the collar and set him on his feet instead. “You did this, didn’t you?” he accused angrily, tugging at his brother’s clothes.

“He can’t answer, dumbass!” Tony reminded him. “He’s got a muzzle on.”

“Yeah, for good reason. He’s the Silvertongue!” Barton hissed.

Thor retained his stranglehold on his brother. “Loki, just nod once if you’re responsible for this chicanery.”

Loki blinked rapidly, refusing to yield to his Thor’s request. The elevator began to shake again.

Steve clutched his shield. “Umm, Thor, maybe you ought to release your hold on your brother before he sends us all plummeting to our deaths!”

Thor’s grip slackened as he continued to stare down his brother. The lift was still trembling, frightening pops and cracks echoing from the elevator shaft. Natasha reached out an arm to steady herself, while Cap crouched down low to keep his balance. Hawkeye maintained his aim, albeit a bit more wobbly now.

“What if we knocked him unconscious?” Tony suggested.

Thor considered this proposal. “Hmm, mayhaps it will work.” He swung back Mjolnir, ready to release it at Loki’s head.

Not surprisingly, the tremors ceased. Thor released his hold on his brother. “That was the right decision,” he said, as if addressing a petulant three-year-old.

Loki’s green-blue eyes flashed rebelliously. Suddenly, five more gods of mischief appeared in the lift with the Avengers.

Tony was visibly terrified. “Starting...to...feel...cramped.”

Romanoff surveyed him with concerned. “You okay, Stark?”

Rogers was not impressed. “Really?” He swiped at one of the duplicates with his shield, and it dissolved instantaneously.

Barton stabbed another with one of his arrows, while Thor dismantled a third with his hammer. Natasha dispatched the fourth with her fists. Tony managed to calm his racing heart and approached the Loki in the center of the lift. He gave it a slap across the face, but instead of the image dissolving, his hand connected with real flesh.

“Idiot, that’s the real one,” barked Rogers.

“Idiot,” countered Tony. “I know.” He swiveled back to face his adversary. “Now, listen Prince of Lies….”

“That’s Satan’s title,” Cap interrupted.

Stark ignored him. “Stop your games and get us the hell out of this floating box or so help me I will wreck you worse than when the Hulk smashed you earlier. Got it?!?”

Loki’s eyes grew round with abject terror. If there was one thing he didn’t want to endure, it was more pain, especially if it was equal or greater to the beating he had received earlier. Inside his muzzle, he emitted a sigh. The remaining clone vanished with a flash of light. The emergency phone began ringing.

Natasha swiftly answered it. “Hey, we’re stuck in an elevator with a mad magician,” she shouted to whomever was on the other side.

Nick Fury’s gruff voice answered her, “Don’t worry, Agent Romanoff. We have people assessing the damage to the elevator right now, and they will start rescue procedures ASAP. Just try to subdue the captive.”

Natasha eyed the prisoner warily. “We’ve been doing a _stellar_ job so far, Sir.”

The lift shuddered again. “Loki?” Thor growled.

Loki shrugged and shook his head.

“What’s that, Lassie? Timmy fell down the well?” Tony quipped.

“I got _that_ reference,” Steve muttered.

Barton whipped off his shades so Tony could get the full impact of his glare. “Really, Stark? Is this the time?”

“I don’t know what this trickster is trying to tell us,” Tony whined.

“We could remove the muzzle.” Thor started undoing the clasp.

“Nooo!” Black Widow, Cap, and Hawkeye screamed in unison.

Loki sighed once again, this time in relief. “Thank you, Brother! I can’t tell you how pleased I am to be able to speak again.”

“Quit the small talk. Just tell us: are you still magicking the crap out of this elevator?” Tony was in the prisoner’s face yet again. “Because if you are, so help me…”

“I am not doing anything anymore. I would surmise that the lift is moving because of the rescue team currently standing on the roof of the car.” Loki stared up at the elevator’s escape hatch.

“Huh?” Tony blinked in confusion.

The other Avengers followed Loki’s gaze and noted a SHIELD agent peering down at them. “Everything okay in here?” the agent asked.  
  
“Everything is fine, thank you,” Loki replied primly.

Tony and Natasha exchanged annoyed glances, while Steve looked ready to pummel the god of mischief into the floor. Thor curled his hand into a fist, and Barton drew another arrow and pointed it at Loki’s neck for good measure.

“Though, all things considered, it might not be so fine in a few moments,” Loki amended.


End file.
